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 A quick excerpt of a story

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Clovers_Gal
 
 
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PostSubject: A quick excerpt of a story   Tue 1 Jun - 2:11

This is just a quick excerpt of a story I though of out of like no where. I'm not actually going to put a lot of effort into the actual story, I'm mostly doing it for writing practice, but I figured I'd share. This is part of the first chapter from the story, so don't think its the whole first chapter because it's not. So leave thoughts/ opinions and all that stuff.


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“Mia,” he called. “Mia, are you okay? Mia, wake up!” He shook her shoulders, as if he was trying to stir up any life left in her.

“Mia, come on. It’s me, Anthony, your brother.” But Mia wouldn’t budge.

Anthony brushed Mia’s long wet hair away from her pale, lifeless face. Her eyes were closed as if she was in a deep sleep, while the rest of her body was stiff and motionless.

“Come on, Mia, wake up,” Anthony’s voice went from a loud, panicked shout, to a soft, gentle whisper. “Everything’s going to be okay, but you have to help. Help me by waking up Mia, please, wake up Mia.”

Anthony felt tears stream from his eyes. He knew the truth. He just didn’t want to admit it. He didn’t want it to be real. He didn’t want Mia to be dead. It was Mia, his little sister, his tough, stubborn little sister. She couldn’t be dead, not Mia.

He tried one more time, to shake any life dwelling in the bottom of her to the surface, to free her from her state. “Mia.”

Anthony sighed, and attempted to wipe the tears from his eyes, but they kept coming. He pulled Mia’s body into a bear hug, and squeezed tight around her cold, soaking wet body.

Anthony tried to pull himself together, he was an adult, and he was a Cop. He couldn’t let his emotions control him like a 5-year-old every time something didn’t go his way. But this time, things were different, almost to the point that it was unreal.

“Goodbye, Mia,” Anthony said quietly.

Unexpectedly, Mia’s cold, frozen body was no longer cold or frozen. She was coughing and struggling to free herself from her brother’s grip.

Anthony suddenly was as frozen as Mia was only seconds ago. His mind couldn’t register what had happened. By the time his senses and ability to think kicked in, Mia had already escaped his grip, and was crawling backwards away from Anthony.

Anthony stood up. “Mia, it’s me, your brother, Anthony.”

“I know who you are,” Mia hissed, her eyes like daggers. “Get away from me!”

“Mia, I’m here to help you. What happened? Are you Okay? Are you hurt?”

Anthony walked slowly toward her, but with every step he took, she scrambled backwards to keep her distance.

“I’m not going to hurt you Mia,” Anthony said slowly and soothingly.

Mia stopped abruptly when she felt her hand slip off solid ground. She had reached the edge of the bridge. Anthony noticed it as well and decided to use it to his advantage.

“Everything’s okay, Mia. Look you have no where to go, you’ve reached the edge of the bridge. Give me your hand, I’ll help you up. Then we can go to the Emergency room.”

“No!” Mia shouted. “I’m not going anywhere except back where I came from!”

Anthony cocked his head sideways, back where she came from? What does she mean? She can’t possibly be talking about the-

But before he could finish his thought, Mia had dived head first into the river. “No! Mia!” he cried as he ran toward the edge of the bridge. He looked for any sign of Mia. But the water was dark and still, showing no sign of anyone in it, or anyone alive, that is.

**************************************************************************************************

“Mia!”

Someone was calling her name. But it was muffled by the sound of the water swirling around her, slowly consuming her.

“Mia!”

Mia closed her eyes, and let the darkness of the water claim her. Everything was quiet and calm, just how she wanted it.

Mia smiled, letting the rest of the air in her lounges seep out and find their way to the surface. She was finally going to be able to go back where she came from. Back to the tranquility of her adobe.

***************************************************************************************************
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pocky-sama95
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: A quick excerpt of a story   Tue 1 Jun - 15:48

holy crap omy god who wrote this i wanna read more... WOW! OMIGOOOODDD!!!!!!! i need to keep reading this! sry my inner book worm kicked in there but yeah! where can i get more?
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Clovers_Gal
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: A quick excerpt of a story   Wed 2 Jun - 13:21

I'll post some more soon hopefully, when I can get some time to type some more up, and time to write more, I've been busy with school, haven't had time to work on the storyline.
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Clovers_Gal
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: A quick excerpt of a story   Wed 2 Jun - 22:26

I've written a lot more, but here's a little I've managed to type.


***************************************************************************

“Mia!” Anthony called one last time, but Mia was already gone, sinking to the bottom of the lake.

Out of frustration, he ran his fingers through his dark black hair and sighed. He pulled a cell phone out of his pocket, and flipped it open. The screen lit up, then it started to flash a low battery symbol. Anthony tapped the phone against his empty palm, but that had only caused the screen to go black.

Anthony crushed the phone in his hand, and chucked it into the middle of the lake. He waited a moment until the phone sunk into the murky water, then turned and walked briskly towards the empty parking lot adjacent to the lake.

Once he reached the lot, he took another sigh, and leaned against the “Welcome to Bliss Lake” sign. Anthony rubbed his temples, how did Mia manage to slip through my fingers?, he thought. Now I’m going to pay for it.

***************************************************************************

Mia opened her eyes. Everything was dark.

Dark, she thought, that’s not right. It shouldn’t be dark, not at the adobe.

Then she realized that she was not at her adobe. But instead, she was at the bottom of Bliss Lake. Cold. Wet. Alone. And suffocating.

***************************************************************************
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Saya Otonashi
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PostSubject: Re: A quick excerpt of a story   Thu 3 Jun - 15:52

It's very nice, please continue it!

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pocky-sama95
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: A quick excerpt of a story   Sat 5 Jun - 12:25

wow youve really got a winner there :)
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