I think my fanfiction is kinda Mary-Sueish (07 Ghost) I need opinions

I haven't really started it yet, but I've been planning it out. I took some Mary-Sue litmmus tests and some of them say my character draws the line too close to being one, others say my character is okay. Basically this girl who is Teito's sister is also in the military (the story starts a little while after Teito escaped) but she wants to rank up so that someday she can try to get back the Raggs empire power, but so far no one knows her true identity.

Since it's not really explained, I thought that maybe in order to be in the military you'd need a blood test of some sorts and so then they would have somehow been able to tell that she is from the Raggs kingdom but not of royalty. So Miroku decides to make her Ayanami's begleiter (meaning she would kind of be in the Black Hawks) so he can keep an eye on her, and also he thinks it would be an interesting mix. (since she's not big on fighting and is shy)

Earlier today I was reading this anti mary-sue litmmus thing where it goes into detail on each question and states if it's a good mary-sure detector or not. One of the questions is "does your character get into a special group?" and the person said that unless you explain it really well it's pretty much a mary-sue thing. And it got me wondering about my character...

I orginally wanted to make the girl only be able to use the healing zaiphon just to really add to the plot twist, but can't you only be in the military if you use fighting zaiphon? And I think making her able to use both like Capella would just be too mary-sueish. So I need your opinions - is she too mary-sue like? Should I change her around? Oh, and sorry for the long post, it's just that this has been bothering me all day. >_<

I haven't watched the entire 07 Ghost anime but I'll try my best to help you with your character.

First, it might be a good idea to eliminate her position as Teito's sister. It's generally considered a cop out idea to just add a character in as XXX's relative. Unless Teito having a sister he doesn't know about is extremely plausible within canon (meaning that in the series there are reasons why Teito would have an unknown sister) than you shouldn't make them related. The only fanfiction I've read where the added on brother/sister thing really worked was one where the writer had pretty much reversed the original premise and made an almost seperate world. Since I don't think you want to do that it may be a good idea to have your character as someone who is from the Raggs kingdom and wants to restore its power. She could potentially see Teito as a role model for her goals.

Secondly, a good original character has flaws. What makes a Mary Sue is that she's perfect. Your character can't be good at everything. She needs to not just have flaws related to things like cooking but personality flaws as well. For example, she could be rash or insecure. Whatever the flaw, these need to become a problem for her later on. For example, if she is headstrong than you can't have every stupid decision she makes turn out well for her. There need to be consequences, good or bad, for her actions that will allow her to change and develop as a character. 'Change' is actually the markings of a good character: if you allow her to grow personally than she will automatically become more realistic.

Thirdly, I do believe that your decision to put her into the Black Hawks is Mary Sue-ish. From what I know, these special groups, such as the Akatsuki or the Black Hawks, are extremely exclusive. Only the best of the best would be put in there. Miroku would not just put someone in that group because it would be interesting or so he could keep an eye on her. He wants that group to be elite and wouldn't allow someone will low caliber skills into the group. There are many more positions you could put her in where she could be watched. Now, getting into the Black Hawks could be a goal she has. To make this goal plausible then you need to have her work for it. Just like she needs to change personally to reach her goals she needs to change physically as well.

Lastly, personalities are important. Your character's personality seems to clash with her goals. With some good planning this could become a springboard for character development: she needs to become stronger to attain her goals. However, she can't automatically worm her way into everyone's hearts with her personality as it is. The main thing you never do in an original character fanfic is bend every canon character's personality to interact in some way with your character. A good original character will blend into the world very well. For example, if Ayanami would coldy brush her off than have him do that. If you want her to interact with characters in a certain way then you need to have her learn to act a certain way. While trying to make relationships with canon characters you could have her worming her way into a character's heart as well. There's nothing wrong with developing friendships or romances between canon and original characters, you just need to make it believable.

As for her abilities, you need to consider the setting you are putting her in. If a healing ability wouldn't work very well than give her another ability. If you want her to have healing than you should give some good reasons as to why she was allowed into the military with that power. Giving her two zaiphons is probably better to stay away from: even if the idea is explored in canon it would come off as Mary Sue-ish. Find an ability that would suit her personality and would help her attain her goals. If you do this than your character will seem more realistic.

Just remember this: if your character acts like a real person than you will have a good original character.

Wow, that was amazing. You made some really good points too that I would have never noticed if I hadn't asked.

I guess I could make her personality like that pink haired-girl from Shugo Chara - seems very outgoing & headstrong on the outside but on the inside she's insecure.

As for who she is...I could probably change it to where it first takes place when Teito escapes - since everyone knows he's from the Raggs Kingdom it could inspire her. So she wouldn't be of royalty, just of Raggs blood.

And she would probably have the fighting zaiphon, or maybe I could come up with some crazy reason as to why the military would let her in with the healing one.

It is kind of disappointing though, I was going to have it that in the end Katsuragi would have given out her secret of being the princess and so she'd be thrown in jail and Teito would rescue her and she'd commit suicide. Oh well.

Thanks a bunch for the help, I will definitely revise the plot and the character. And I am still open to some new ideas if anyone wants to throw some out there.

It's not like you have to completely erase her connection to Teito. You could come up with some secret that would connect the two of them that would fit in with the ending you wanted. As long as it's writted well and makes sense than you can pretty much write anything.

Also, I went and looked at the Anti May-Sue Litmus test. Some of the questions, and the author's comments to those questions, really didn't make much sense to me. Maybe it's because I don't really write fanfiction but I can't see how some of those things make a character a Mary Sue. I like what the author mentioned at the end "the best way to revamp your character is to get actual feedback." Once you write some of your story others will be able to evaluate it better. Are you planning on writing it soon?

Yeah, I'll probably start writing it tomorrow or something if I can think of something....

So I went to Wikipedia to read up on Teito to get some ideas and I think I understand him a little better now... So I was thinking that maybe she could have been the maid at the palace where Teito grew up when he was still with his orignal father, so she knew a lot about Teito but didn't talk to him much, and then when the Barsburg empire invaded the military could have taken her in too but then they were separated...this is difficult haha.

Oh and maybe later in the story they would have mistaken her for his sister since they were found together and they both have Raggs blood...Just an after thought.

She would have to be the child of a maid or something so that her age matches with Teito's. That wouldn't be too hard to write and your idea really does make sense. I'm happy that you're researching up on characters. A lot of good fanfiction writers don't seem to research what they're writing about.

I was thinking more along the lines of her parents somehow got brutally murdered or something, but I think your idea makes a lot more sense and according to most litmus tests my idea would be considered a mary-sue trait unless it had a good reason.

If I didn't research him I would be so lost. There's so much information about him that I wouldn't be able to piece it together on my own, and even now I'm a little lost on his past. I think I might have to go back and read up to the current manga chapter one more time just to be more clear on things. But thanks anyways